WOW!
Just W.O.W.!
I blinked.
* * * * *
It has been FOUR YEARS since my last post.
And I'm not proud of the author of those previous two posts. It's a real eye-opener to come back to a special place where you've laid down special thoughts and realize that
those thoughts were not-so-special.
I do, however, own those thoughts.
I'm reflecting on those thoughts and the transformation in me over the past four years and wonder if all that negativity has eaten away at my soul
and resulted in a person that I refuse to acknowledge in the mirror?
* * * * *
I have been a busy mom. I have been completely submerged into my sons' high school careers: their academics, sports and activities claimed me. My time, my interest, my focus, my spirit, my pride, my joy, my disappointments. As a result of that intense commitment, I have been in deep reflection over the past year, since my middle son graduated. I was SO involved in that world that I feel I completely lost any notion of who I am personally, and where my new focus would end up. I started pin-pointing faults at home and with relationships, feeling left out and confused about my purpose in people's lives that I had once been close to. Or, at least, had felt a part of for such a long period of time. During all those years of dedicated volunteering, I developed friendships with people. That's natural, right? If you're going to be rubbing elbows and working for a similar cause, that's bound to happen. What occurs after everything is over is a test: a test of commitment. A test of dependence. A test of loyalty. And where all of that lies with each one of us.
* * * * *
My youngest son started 9th grade last year and I will admit my involvement was nil to none, mostly because he wasn't decided on his activities and sports, and he really struggled with the academic side of things from the start. Our focus became concentrated on just making sure he went to school and went through the motions each and every day.
No.
Each and every hour, minute, and second of the day.
And, since I had started a job in late 2012, the demands of being consistent took A LOT more effort. Things used to be easier when you could point them in the right direction, give a little nudge, and they would just go. Adolescence in my baby boy introduced a whole new character that I've not had to get to know with the first two boys; not in this way. His reluctance to comply and abhorrence of cooperation and communication has roused a beast in me that his little character just loves to egg on. For the first 3 months of the school year, he was playing football after having attended daily conditioning throughout the summer. When some suggestions from my doctor for remedying a medical issue came up for me, I felt like everything was on track with the kids (2 older sons enrolled in college) that left me more available to take advantage of the opportunity to bring myself some relief. Little did I know that my son was using my circumstances, that barely affected him, as an easy way to toss his obligations to the team. Things snowballed and got way out of hand and I had to step in and drastically change his world:
his room was stripped of everything except his bed and a dresser.
I questioned my inadequacy moment by moment, felt more than alone in my decisions, and worried frantically that my measures of controlling his level of focus was going to cause him depression. My husband was supportive, but I still always felt like I was missing a step.
Looking back, I took myself inward and retreated from the possibility of have a network of people to lean on, embarrassed that I would have to face the critique of my flawed parenting.
I faked my way through and completely avoided everyone and every potential interaction.
* * * * *
After many months of feeling abandoned, not even realizing the reality of it all was that I was my own worst enemy, I started getting a grip. I missed my acquaintances, even if I had never been really involved in their lives, I missed their camaraderie and fellowship.
I missed being able to laugh.
I missed working together for a common cause and feeling the reward of serving others.
I wasn't looking into the glass with rose-colored lenses. I was still seeing all the faults and flaws, some real and some imagined, but the fact that I can acknowledge some of those were false has to mean that I'm on the right track. I accept that while things are not all bad, they really aren't as bad as I always think they are. I over-analyze EVERY thought, conversation, action and interaction that occurs, whether it's directly with me, my family or my friends.
It means my confidence is fragile.
It means I must embrace my positive traits and grow in my strengths
so that they can carry me unwavering into the next day.
It means I must also embrace those who recognize my abilities and offer love and acceptance to me
regardless and in spite of my circumstances.
So, today, regardless of my flawed body and sometimes my thoughts,
I choose to seek:
JOY in the moment,
OPPORTUNITY that is offered,
PRAISE that is earned,
SERVICE to others
and GOD for forgiveness in doubting His work.
.