Afternoon, all! I am dropping in because I have resolved that after about 4 hours of light shopping today, I am fat! And I am very uncomfortable. And fat people don't look "cool" when they sweat around their waistband and down the middle of their back! It's just gross! Sure, some of that is due to the regime of meds I'm taking, but how 'bout if I had not been fat when I started these meds? How 'bout if I felt good?

I bought the ingredients needed to make lasagna for dinner tonight. Then, I decided that pasta is going to HAVE to come off MY menu. So, instead of having traditional lasagna, I thought I would make a separate dish of lasagna using cabbage leaves instead of noodles. Well, then I decided cheese probably should be limited, too, so my cabbage version of lasagna has turned into cabbage soup. I've put a few leaves of spinach in with it, a very little bit of corn, and a can of Rotel, to spice it up a bit.

So, when I'm all fresh and skinny, shedding pounds at record speed (Ha!Ha!), you all will know what I've been eating, er, NOT eating.

Also, while shopping today, I took back a bathing suit, size 12, that claimed you could look a size smaller. Upon trying on said bathing suit, you, in fact, had to BE a size smaller to get it on! And, since it's been a month since I bought the darn thing, they would only give me back a credit on their store card. Guess what I bought?! Saucony Prestige walking/running shoes! Ironic, isn't it?!

Also, starting tomorrow (no, seriously, tomorrow) I will start walking and/or running as far as I can go. I am going to keep a record of my food abuse and exercise status, and just so I hold myself to it, I will bore you all with the facts at least once a week. Aren't you excited?!

In conclusion of this post, I am going to totally out myself and tell you what I've had to eat so far today--

--2 big cups of chocolate milk (this is my morning coffee unless I have chai)

--4 cupcakes (all consumed within 15 minutes)

--10 grapes

For dinner, I will have about 1-1/2 cups of cabbage soup, and about 4 glasses of ice cold water.

If you ever find that you have simple suggestions to help me improve my body image, my efforts toward weight-loss, etc., please, please, please....I welcome your input!

Current weight: 189!!!

Realize

Well, here it's been several weeks, and I've let myself skip blogging again. But, have to admit, it's better than letting a complete year go by. I guess I felt pushed to journal something today so I can get out some of these cruddy feelings I have bottled up and the meds are about to make me explode from every orifice on my body (as if I needed excuses for them to explode, right?).

So, during the 4th of July holiday, my bleacher-running pal, Tina, injured her knee. We knew that each of us had knee issues; we just thought with more exercise/losing weight it would help those knee issues go away. HA! Guess not! Turns out we were both hurting our knees worse. I actually had a check-up scheduled with my doctor on the 6th, follow up for thyroid and triglycerides. Well, I was feeling really good about exercising, so my report to the doctor was positive, although I didn't have any lab work to back that up. He advised slowing down on the bleachers, since my knee sang such a lovely clicking song to him, and increase my workouts on flat surfaces for a while. Then, when Tina went to see her doctor about her knee woes, she gets the news that she's got some cartilage damage which COULD require surgery. So, exercise goes OUT THE WINDOW!

Now, I know I shouldn't blame my not exercising on Tina's inability to do so, but we were doing such a good job as a pair, it seems only fitting! Besides our knee issues, I'm still dealing with massive headaches every other week, which in reflexion seems to coincide with my female hormonal calendar. However, this one headache that I had started on the right, backside of my neck (like a tension headache--gee, I can't imagine why I would have one of those) and gradually sent strange sensations up the back of my skull. To the touch, it felt like bruising. AND, there was a marble-sized lymph node that popped up on the back of my neck. Good ol' doc finds these symptoms peculiar, but in line with a pinched nerve, due to the swollen lymph node. He prescribes a Z-pak and tells me to keep an eye on things and come back if there isn't any improvement. Well, as soon as my five days were up on the Z-pak, the sensations gradually decrease and the knot goes away.

Now, on Thursday, August 12th, I wake up to a kink in my neck, but this time on the left side. And it wasn't a headache, only a slight kink/pinched feeling. I massage, rub, roll my shoulders, stretch my neck muscles, etc. All to very little relief. 800mg Ibuprofen didn't touch it. Aleve might as well have been baby aspirin. It did nothing to help. As the week goes on, it seems the feelings associated with this kink increase: pain, pinching and numbness start showing up down my left arm. Yet again, I go to the doctor. I feel like it's a pinched nerve, suspect it's probably a spinal disk problem, and dread what he's going to tell me. It turns out, I get to be on steroids for a week and muscle relaxers at night to help me NOT tense up so that the herniated disk can slip back into place. Otherwise, if it doesn't, that means surgery. He pinpoints the problem to the C4/C5 area, based on my range of movement and complaints.

And that leads me to today. I've been on the 'roids for 5 days now. I can swear to you they started bringing out my UGLY side on day 2. I have been rottenly rude to my kids and husband. Frustration just seems to pour out of me in gushes of downright meanness. And I AM trying to keep doing my job as mom: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., etc. And for the extent of it, I am ABLE to do it, with some limitations to my range of motion. This only adds to my frustration, but I think these meds encourage a loose tongue. I am not used to that and I know my family doesn't appreciate it, but I feel like even though I don't usually say these things out loud that they already know these things, right? Am I so constricted on my feelings and show of emotion that they don't know how I feel all the time? I understand that I have ultimately caused this reaction in them, looking at me like I'm a stranger when I start spitting out my rants. But do I not show them compassion when I understand where their own rants come from? And I listen, mostly, and do not ever condemn them for expressing themselves so freely with me, even though a lot of that is due to their own battles with frustrations, that could stem from the consequences of my rules and requirements of them. Right?

Anyway, another side effect of these 'roids is the never ending desire to clean out the refrigerator and pantry........with my MOUTH!!! Which leads me back to the need to exercise. I feel like I've grown 3 sizes in 3 days!

Is anyone following along with this. I think I'm making sense, but it is a lot of babbling. I can admit, it has helped me to get some of these insides out today. I will try to be more cheerful in future posts, but let me thank you so much for sticking in there on this one. Comments welcomed!

Have a nice day!

Evaluation & Reflection

Today marks 3 weeks of running bleachers; we now do 5 sets, up from 3. And, I've gained weight!!! Not the results I was aiming for, but I can say that my legs are tighter and my butt is shaping up nicer. So, on with it!

On Tuesday, Kevin and I celebrated 19 years of marriage. When the years fly, it has to be good. I don't remember school going this fast LOL! We had a great night out for dinner and relaxation. He still makes me laugh and smile and feel really special.

Last Thursday, my 16yo started his summer, dual enrollment college algebra class! So much independence experienced in a 4 hour period! I'm not sure I can handle it, so I try to act all nonchalant, but I feel my heartstrings being tugged....HARD!

AND, I've been struggling with myself, emotionally. Charged by recent activity with a family member, I've come to the conclusion that there must be something about me that is unpleasant. Maybe I express myself in such a manner that is offensive. I'm not real sure. So, I'm trying to take a step back, reign it all in, and evaluate what I do or don't do and tweak it. I don't want to be the puddle in the sidewalk or the stain on the bleachers that everybody dodges.

Bleachers

Day 2: Exercise Journal

So, on a whim, I accepted an invitation to join a friend to "WALK" the bleachers at our local high school, as the start of an exercise regime. We would just try it out and see if it was something we could stick with, and if so, work our way up to running.

As of today (day 2), I can sooooooo feel my body rejecting this course of activity--especially since it's the ONLY course of activity besides mowing the grass my body has seen in a while. Any part of me that has anything to do with hauling my bootie up those steps is aching, but remarkably, my brain is still in control, and it knows more about what my body needs. It needs to reverse my high cholesterol, turn up my metabolism and regulate my thyroid function, fiend off diabetes, and take off some fat.

Not only is my brain realizing this, but my heart is benefiting from this too. Not just my physical heart, but my emotional heart, because I believe this friend and I share alot in common. We see eye to eye on most things involving our kids, the school, the small community we live in, and morals. And we both LOVE photography! Somewhere down the line, I lost friends that shared those things with me, or because of scarring, didn't bother to get close enough to anyone to find out.

As of day 2, I have a whole new outlook on this exercise thing; I actually thought about it the whole day yesterday--not just when my muscles were yelling at me--and I looked forward to today's round. As odd as that sounds, even now, even when I want to chop my legs off and put my torso in one of those torturous stretching contraptions, looking forward to exercise is a promising surprise! I'm looking forward to the results!

Really? It's been another year.....

Okay, so "getting on with it" didn't go over like I thought it would. The past year has been a struggle on many different levels. Things just happen, whether you are well-prepared for them or not, and in my case, OR NOT would be more adequate. It's strange, really. I used to have such a strong grip on life and felt organized and knew exactly what was going to happen and when. That's not the case these days. And, in reflection, I am just beside myself.

So, to recap another year, and prove to myself that we did experience something, I'm going to give this another shot. Let's see..... After the Spring Jamboree football game, school ended and we embarked on a summer full of cousins visiting, football training, baseball training, and THE BEACH! Aaron got a surfboard in the spring, something to focus on since baseball was going to be out of the picture. Bo actually got a really nice skimboard in July of '08, so he was excited to be able to learn more with it. Ethan, well, he decided that he wasn't good enough to do a "tour" with the First Tee program yet, so he didn't get involved with that this year. He didn't care much for going to the beach either, but with options low, he was forced to go with us.

Kevin's sister, Linda, and her kids came to visit for 10 days at the end of June. The boys' still had football training a couple of times a day, so we had to work around that schedule in order to plan visits with them. Cindy entertained most of the time with the exception of a couple times we were able to meet them at the pool, the beach or go out on the boat.

We spent 4th of July at my mom-in-law's house, cooking out and swimming in the pool. James and Megan brought their dogs over (Bri & Chevy) and we went to the soccer fields in Pace to watch fireworks. Toward the end of July we celebrated Kevin and Frances' birthday at the pool, and Kevin was playing with the boys in the pool and tricking his mom with the birthday candles. Then, Alexis and Rhea came to visit for a couple weeks. More pool, beach and boat, plus a cute little talent show to cap off the visit. And they ARE talented!

Aaron & Ethan even got in on the act:

Then we celebrated more birthdays in August with visits to Sam's Surf City and the skating rink. Aaron turned 14 and Tanner (my nephew) turned 5. I busted my rump trying to skate backwards, on rental skates, ya know, for old times' sake. But really, 70 pounds later, it HURT!

School started back, on schedule, and Aaron is a high school freshman. Even odder, Bo is a sophomore!!! What??!! Football takes up a lot of time. Although I wasn't having to cart them back and forth to practices, it consumes your refrigerator, pantry, washing machine and bathroom! Fortunately, we only had to spend time at the field on Thursdays this year.

After football ended in October, we got a little break, and then Ethan started basketball. Since Aaron wasn't doing anything extracirricular at the moment, he was asked to help his former 7th grade science teacher COACH Ethan's team. They weren't that great a winning team, but they did learn alot. I know those kids will remember Aaron helping them when he's a senior and they are freshmen. When he realizes the impact he's had on them, hopefully, he will appreciate it.

Basketball has ended and golf has begun. Aaron didn't make the HS baseball team, so he is taking golf clinics, hoping to discover his level of talent in that sport and feel comfortable enough to try out for the HS golf team in the fall (since he's not even considering football next year).

Bo has started track again, and is doing pretty well, but is only using it as a tool to become faster and better at football. We are trying to figure out the best form of weight gain for him that is HEALTHY, so that he has better chances of being recognized on the field.

As far as what's up with me, I'm still enjoying photography, and even trying some new things:

weddings, head shots, modeling, etc. I hope to take some courses this summer or fall and get to a point where I am more confident in myself, enough to promote my hobby as a profession. We'll see.

At this point in time, we are getting ready to have a driver in the house (ack!) Bo will turn 16 this week and will get his license on the following Monday (or test for it). He's also getting ready to dual enroll for college credits during his junior year! Am I ready for this? Of course not! But I have to be right? Otherwise, I will hold them back from their full potential? Ugh!

Well, hopefully, I haven't burned anyone out on this blog. Hopefully, I will be able to do this about once a week. Lord knows, there's plenty that happens in a week's time to write a book.

Until next time!