WOW! 

Just W.O.W.! 

 I blinked. 

* * * * *

 It has been FOUR YEARS since my last post.  

And I'm not proud of the author of those previous two posts.  It's a real eye-opener to come back to a special place where you've laid down special thoughts and realize that

 those thoughts were not-so-special.

  I do, however, own those thoughts.  

I'm reflecting on those thoughts and the transformation in me over the past four years and wonder if all that negativity has eaten away at my soul

 and resulted in a person that I refuse to acknowledge in the mirror?

* * * * *

I have been a busy mom.  I have been completely submerged into my sons' high school careers: their academics, sports and activities claimed me.  My time, my interest, my focus, my spirit, my pride, my joy, my disappointments.  As a result of that intense commitment, I have been in deep reflection over the past year, since my middle son graduated.  I was SO involved in that world that I feel I completely lost any notion of who I am personally, and where my new focus would end up.  I started pin-pointing faults at home and with relationships, feeling left out and confused about my purpose in people's lives that I had once been close to.  Or, at least, had felt a part of for such a long period of time.  During all those years of dedicated volunteering, I developed friendships with people.  That's natural, right?  If you're going to be rubbing elbows and working for a similar cause, that's bound to happen.  What occurs after everything is over is a test: a test of commitment. A test of dependence. A test of loyalty. And where all of that lies with each one of us.

* * * * *

My youngest son started 9th grade last year and I will admit my involvement was nil to none, mostly because he wasn't decided on his activities and sports, and he really struggled with the academic side of things from the start.  Our focus became concentrated on just making sure he went to school and went through the motions each and every day.  

No.  

Each and every hour, minute, and second of the day.

And, since I had started a job in late 2012, the demands of being consistent took A LOT more effort.  Things used to be easier when you could point them in the right direction, give a little nudge, and they would just go.  Adolescence in my baby boy introduced a whole new character that I've not had to get to know with the first two boys; not in this way.  His reluctance to comply and abhorrence of cooperation and communication has roused a beast in me that his little character just loves to egg on.  For the first 3 months of the school year, he was playing football after having attended daily conditioning throughout the summer.  When some suggestions from my doctor for remedying a medical issue came up for me, I felt like everything was on track with the kids (2 older sons enrolled in college) that left me more available to take advantage of the opportunity to bring myself some relief.  Little did I know that my son was using my circumstances, that barely affected him, as an easy way to toss his obligations to the team.  Things snowballed and got way out of hand and I had to step in and drastically change his world: 

his room was stripped of everything except his bed and a dresser.  

I questioned my inadequacy moment by moment, felt more than alone in my decisions, and worried frantically that my measures of controlling his level of focus was going to cause him depression.  My husband was supportive, but I still always felt like I was missing a step.  

Looking back, I took myself inward and retreated from the possibility of have a network of people to lean on, embarrassed that I would have to face the critique of my flawed parenting.  

I faked my way through and completely avoided everyone and every potential interaction.

* * * * *

After many months of feeling abandoned, not even realizing the reality of it all was that I was my own worst enemy, I started getting a grip.  I missed my acquaintances, even if I had never been really involved in their  lives, I missed their camaraderie and fellowship.  

I missed being able to laugh.  

I missed working together for a common cause and feeling the reward of serving others.

I wasn't looking into the glass with rose-colored lenses.  I was still seeing all the faults and flaws, some real and some imagined, but the fact that I can acknowledge some of those were false has to mean that I'm on the right track.  I accept that while things are not all bad, they really aren't as bad as I always think they are.  I over-analyze EVERY thought, conversation, action and interaction that occurs, whether it's directly with me, my family or my friends.  

It means my confidence is fragile.  

It means I must embrace my positive traits and grow in my strengths 

so that they can carry me unwavering into the next day.  

It means I must also embrace those who recognize my abilities and offer love and acceptance to me 

regardless and in spite of my circumstances.

So, today, regardless of my flawed body and sometimes my thoughts,

I choose to seek:

JOY in the moment, 

OPPORTUNITY that is offered,

PRAISE that is earned,

SERVICE to others

and GOD for forgiveness in doubting His work.

.

Afternoon, all! I am dropping in because I have resolved that after about 4 hours of light shopping today, I am fat! And I am very uncomfortable. And fat people don't look "cool" when they sweat around their waistband and down the middle of their back! It's just gross! Sure, some of that is due to the regime of meds I'm taking, but how 'bout if I had not been fat when I started these meds? How 'bout if I felt good?

I bought the ingredients needed to make lasagna for dinner tonight. Then, I decided that pasta is going to HAVE to come off MY menu. So, instead of having traditional lasagna, I thought I would make a separate dish of lasagna using cabbage leaves instead of noodles. Well, then I decided cheese probably should be limited, too, so my cabbage version of lasagna has turned into cabbage soup. I've put a few leaves of spinach in with it, a very little bit of corn, and a can of Rotel, to spice it up a bit.

So, when I'm all fresh and skinny, shedding pounds at record speed (Ha!Ha!), you all will know what I've been eating, er, NOT eating.

Also, while shopping today, I took back a bathing suit, size 12, that claimed you could look a size smaller. Upon trying on said bathing suit, you, in fact, had to BE a size smaller to get it on! And, since it's been a month since I bought the darn thing, they would only give me back a credit on their store card. Guess what I bought?! Saucony Prestige walking/running shoes! Ironic, isn't it?!

Also, starting tomorrow (no, seriously, tomorrow) I will start walking and/or running as far as I can go. I am going to keep a record of my food abuse and exercise status, and just so I hold myself to it, I will bore you all with the facts at least once a week. Aren't you excited?!

In conclusion of this post, I am going to totally out myself and tell you what I've had to eat so far today--

--2 big cups of chocolate milk (this is my morning coffee unless I have chai)

--4 cupcakes (all consumed within 15 minutes)

--10 grapes

For dinner, I will have about 1-1/2 cups of cabbage soup, and about 4 glasses of ice cold water.

If you ever find that you have simple suggestions to help me improve my body image, my efforts toward weight-loss, etc., please, please, please....I welcome your input!

Current weight: 189!!!

Realize

Well, here it's been several weeks, and I've let myself skip blogging again. But, have to admit, it's better than letting a complete year go by. I guess I felt pushed to journal something today so I can get out some of these cruddy feelings I have bottled up and the meds are about to make me explode from every orifice on my body (as if I needed excuses for them to explode, right?).

So, during the 4th of July holiday, my bleacher-running pal, Tina, injured her knee. We knew that each of us had knee issues; we just thought with more exercise/losing weight it would help those knee issues go away. HA! Guess not! Turns out we were both hurting our knees worse. I actually had a check-up scheduled with my doctor on the 6th, follow up for thyroid and triglycerides. Well, I was feeling really good about exercising, so my report to the doctor was positive, although I didn't have any lab work to back that up. He advised slowing down on the bleachers, since my knee sang such a lovely clicking song to him, and increase my workouts on flat surfaces for a while. Then, when Tina went to see her doctor about her knee woes, she gets the news that she's got some cartilage damage which COULD require surgery. So, exercise goes OUT THE WINDOW!

Now, I know I shouldn't blame my not exercising on Tina's inability to do so, but we were doing such a good job as a pair, it seems only fitting! Besides our knee issues, I'm still dealing with massive headaches every other week, which in reflexion seems to coincide with my female hormonal calendar. However, this one headache that I had started on the right, backside of my neck (like a tension headache--gee, I can't imagine why I would have one of those) and gradually sent strange sensations up the back of my skull. To the touch, it felt like bruising. AND, there was a marble-sized lymph node that popped up on the back of my neck. Good ol' doc finds these symptoms peculiar, but in line with a pinched nerve, due to the swollen lymph node. He prescribes a Z-pak and tells me to keep an eye on things and come back if there isn't any improvement. Well, as soon as my five days were up on the Z-pak, the sensations gradually decrease and the knot goes away.

Now, on Thursday, August 12th, I wake up to a kink in my neck, but this time on the left side. And it wasn't a headache, only a slight kink/pinched feeling. I massage, rub, roll my shoulders, stretch my neck muscles, etc. All to very little relief. 800mg Ibuprofen didn't touch it. Aleve might as well have been baby aspirin. It did nothing to help. As the week goes on, it seems the feelings associated with this kink increase: pain, pinching and numbness start showing up down my left arm. Yet again, I go to the doctor. I feel like it's a pinched nerve, suspect it's probably a spinal disk problem, and dread what he's going to tell me. It turns out, I get to be on steroids for a week and muscle relaxers at night to help me NOT tense up so that the herniated disk can slip back into place. Otherwise, if it doesn't, that means surgery. He pinpoints the problem to the C4/C5 area, based on my range of movement and complaints.

And that leads me to today. I've been on the 'roids for 5 days now. I can swear to you they started bringing out my UGLY side on day 2. I have been rottenly rude to my kids and husband. Frustration just seems to pour out of me in gushes of downright meanness. And I AM trying to keep doing my job as mom: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., etc. And for the extent of it, I am ABLE to do it, with some limitations to my range of motion. This only adds to my frustration, but I think these meds encourage a loose tongue. I am not used to that and I know my family doesn't appreciate it, but I feel like even though I don't usually say these things out loud that they already know these things, right? Am I so constricted on my feelings and show of emotion that they don't know how I feel all the time? I understand that I have ultimately caused this reaction in them, looking at me like I'm a stranger when I start spitting out my rants. But do I not show them compassion when I understand where their own rants come from? And I listen, mostly, and do not ever condemn them for expressing themselves so freely with me, even though a lot of that is due to their own battles with frustrations, that could stem from the consequences of my rules and requirements of them. Right?

Anyway, another side effect of these 'roids is the never ending desire to clean out the refrigerator and pantry........with my MOUTH!!! Which leads me back to the need to exercise. I feel like I've grown 3 sizes in 3 days!

Is anyone following along with this. I think I'm making sense, but it is a lot of babbling. I can admit, it has helped me to get some of these insides out today. I will try to be more cheerful in future posts, but let me thank you so much for sticking in there on this one. Comments welcomed!

Have a nice day!

Evaluation & Reflection

Today marks 3 weeks of running bleachers; we now do 5 sets, up from 3. And, I've gained weight!!! Not the results I was aiming for, but I can say that my legs are tighter and my butt is shaping up nicer. So, on with it!

On Tuesday, Kevin and I celebrated 19 years of marriage. When the years fly, it has to be good. I don't remember school going this fast LOL! We had a great night out for dinner and relaxation. He still makes me laugh and smile and feel really special.

Last Thursday, my 16yo started his summer, dual enrollment college algebra class! So much independence experienced in a 4 hour period! I'm not sure I can handle it, so I try to act all nonchalant, but I feel my heartstrings being tugged....HARD!

AND, I've been struggling with myself, emotionally. Charged by recent activity with a family member, I've come to the conclusion that there must be something about me that is unpleasant. Maybe I express myself in such a manner that is offensive. I'm not real sure. So, I'm trying to take a step back, reign it all in, and evaluate what I do or don't do and tweak it. I don't want to be the puddle in the sidewalk or the stain on the bleachers that everybody dodges.

Bleachers

Day 2: Exercise Journal

So, on a whim, I accepted an invitation to join a friend to "WALK" the bleachers at our local high school, as the start of an exercise regime. We would just try it out and see if it was something we could stick with, and if so, work our way up to running.

As of today (day 2), I can sooooooo feel my body rejecting this course of activity--especially since it's the ONLY course of activity besides mowing the grass my body has seen in a while. Any part of me that has anything to do with hauling my bootie up those steps is aching, but remarkably, my brain is still in control, and it knows more about what my body needs. It needs to reverse my high cholesterol, turn up my metabolism and regulate my thyroid function, fiend off diabetes, and take off some fat.

Not only is my brain realizing this, but my heart is benefiting from this too. Not just my physical heart, but my emotional heart, because I believe this friend and I share alot in common. We see eye to eye on most things involving our kids, the school, the small community we live in, and morals. And we both LOVE photography! Somewhere down the line, I lost friends that shared those things with me, or because of scarring, didn't bother to get close enough to anyone to find out.

As of day 2, I have a whole new outlook on this exercise thing; I actually thought about it the whole day yesterday--not just when my muscles were yelling at me--and I looked forward to today's round. As odd as that sounds, even now, even when I want to chop my legs off and put my torso in one of those torturous stretching contraptions, looking forward to exercise is a promising surprise! I'm looking forward to the results!

Really? It's been another year.....

Okay, so "getting on with it" didn't go over like I thought it would. The past year has been a struggle on many different levels. Things just happen, whether you are well-prepared for them or not, and in my case, OR NOT would be more adequate. It's strange, really. I used to have such a strong grip on life and felt organized and knew exactly what was going to happen and when. That's not the case these days. And, in reflection, I am just beside myself.

So, to recap another year, and prove to myself that we did experience something, I'm going to give this another shot. Let's see..... After the Spring Jamboree football game, school ended and we embarked on a summer full of cousins visiting, football training, baseball training, and THE BEACH! Aaron got a surfboard in the spring, something to focus on since baseball was going to be out of the picture. Bo actually got a really nice skimboard in July of '08, so he was excited to be able to learn more with it. Ethan, well, he decided that he wasn't good enough to do a "tour" with the First Tee program yet, so he didn't get involved with that this year. He didn't care much for going to the beach either, but with options low, he was forced to go with us.

Kevin's sister, Linda, and her kids came to visit for 10 days at the end of June. The boys' still had football training a couple of times a day, so we had to work around that schedule in order to plan visits with them. Cindy entertained most of the time with the exception of a couple times we were able to meet them at the pool, the beach or go out on the boat.

We spent 4th of July at my mom-in-law's house, cooking out and swimming in the pool. James and Megan brought their dogs over (Bri & Chevy) and we went to the soccer fields in Pace to watch fireworks. Toward the end of July we celebrated Kevin and Frances' birthday at the pool, and Kevin was playing with the boys in the pool and tricking his mom with the birthday candles. Then, Alexis and Rhea came to visit for a couple weeks. More pool, beach and boat, plus a cute little talent show to cap off the visit. And they ARE talented!

Aaron & Ethan even got in on the act:

Then we celebrated more birthdays in August with visits to Sam's Surf City and the skating rink. Aaron turned 14 and Tanner (my nephew) turned 5. I busted my rump trying to skate backwards, on rental skates, ya know, for old times' sake. But really, 70 pounds later, it HURT!

School started back, on schedule, and Aaron is a high school freshman. Even odder, Bo is a sophomore!!! What??!! Football takes up a lot of time. Although I wasn't having to cart them back and forth to practices, it consumes your refrigerator, pantry, washing machine and bathroom! Fortunately, we only had to spend time at the field on Thursdays this year.

After football ended in October, we got a little break, and then Ethan started basketball. Since Aaron wasn't doing anything extracirricular at the moment, he was asked to help his former 7th grade science teacher COACH Ethan's team. They weren't that great a winning team, but they did learn alot. I know those kids will remember Aaron helping them when he's a senior and they are freshmen. When he realizes the impact he's had on them, hopefully, he will appreciate it.

Basketball has ended and golf has begun. Aaron didn't make the HS baseball team, so he is taking golf clinics, hoping to discover his level of talent in that sport and feel comfortable enough to try out for the HS golf team in the fall (since he's not even considering football next year).

Bo has started track again, and is doing pretty well, but is only using it as a tool to become faster and better at football. We are trying to figure out the best form of weight gain for him that is HEALTHY, so that he has better chances of being recognized on the field.

As far as what's up with me, I'm still enjoying photography, and even trying some new things:

weddings, head shots, modeling, etc. I hope to take some courses this summer or fall and get to a point where I am more confident in myself, enough to promote my hobby as a profession. We'll see.

At this point in time, we are getting ready to have a driver in the house (ack!) Bo will turn 16 this week and will get his license on the following Monday (or test for it). He's also getting ready to dual enroll for college credits during his junior year! Am I ready for this? Of course not! But I have to be right? Otherwise, I will hold them back from their full potential? Ugh!

Well, hopefully, I haven't burned anyone out on this blog. Hopefully, I will be able to do this about once a week. Lord knows, there's plenty that happens in a week's time to write a book.

Until next time!

Getting on with it.....

Yeah, I know. It's been almost a whole year since I last posted. Everything since last July has been a blur. Some good things, some sad things, some in between things. Some I don't care to talk about, others I would love to brag about, and more in between. So, I'll take a brief moment to recap the year and in conclusion begin anew.
After the twins' 1st birthday party, we took another trip to Gainesville to visit with Shannon as he was still recovering from sugery on his heart and subsequent injuries and complications. Kevin and I marked out 17th wedding anniversary and Shannon had his 34th birthday.
In July, we went to Panama City Beach with Bulls Baseball 12-year-olds for a week of fun in the sun.

Shannon came home from Gainesville, which was one step closer to home for him. There was relief yet I could still feel his restless desire to be AT HOME doing things the only way he's know it for such a long time...HIS WAY. But he had lots of visitors to keep him distracted, for the most part. Family surrounded him at all times.


Bo completed summer training for PHS Football and brought us closer to the beginning of his Freshmen year. Aaron started 8th grade as Big Man on Campus, and Ethan went into 4th grade. The only thing I remember besides the normal routine of school, practice, hospital, sleep, is the Thursday night football games. Bo was happy to be part of the team, although he was one of 13 wide receivers, and only got one chance to go into a game all season. And I was happy as long as he was happy.


Shannon got to go home in September, which lifted his spirits considerably. Kevin's sister, aunt and mom were the constant assistants by his side. I had peaceful visits with him and got to make him some banana bread and feed it to him. It was bittersweet moments like that I will keep in my heart.
In October, we lost our Shan-Man due to all the complications surrounding the recovery of the initial surgery.


One thing after another seemed to spiral downward: Kevin's health and work, Ethan's & Aaron's schoolwork, the economy, etc., etc. Thanksgiving was difficult. Christmas was almost impossible, as we also lost our chocolate lab, Oakley, reinforcing those deep seated feelings of sadness. Although it doesn't compare to losing a brother, the loss of our puppy (he had just turned 1) was like pushing salt into the wound. It was more on a level that the boys could relate to.

The new year came around and we dredged forward. Gradually, some things started getting better, but in some ways worse. We knew we were embarking on the beginning of a new baseball season, and we had twelve 13-year-olds and their parents looking for us to get things started. So, we tried. But after only a couple of weeks, the burden of balancing emotions, health, and work along with managing a baseball team, seemed unbearable. A huge decision was made: Kevin decided to resign as a coach of the team in order to allow things to be run in a more rewarding manner for the boys and their families. It seemed a good move at the time.

The day after Kevin resigned, Aaron sprained a growth plate in his foot, putting him off the field for six weeks. Of course, once the six weeks was up and he was released from the doctor, we were spoiled on the freedom from the practices and games that tied us to a certain schedule and normalcy. Or maybe it was just an excuse to keep ourselves out of the public realm where we would have to function socially.

Ethan began a round of golf clinic classes at Stonebrook. Bo got going on the track team. Aaron started on his trek toward modeling and acting. I submerged myself into the Twilight books. We all had some sort of escape......except Kevin. Time ticked along, not stopping to wait for any of us.
Aaron and partner, Eleana, had put together an awesome History Fair project on Osceola, taking it from the school level, placing first at County level and finishing 5th of 47 in Tallahassee at the state level. They won the Native American Heritage Award.


Bo developed a friendship with a sweet girl, they became "an item" and then he broke up with her a couple weeks later. Aaron still has an on-again/off-again relationship with the same girl since last May, although there have been some "in-betweens", he keeps holding her the highest. Ethan still says he doesn't like girls. I was told by a class mom that he must be one of the class hotties, because she's heard his name around her house quite a bit. Ethan denies this title, giving all the credit to his best friend, Scott.


Now we're winding down the school year, praying for good final grades of the year so that summer isn't miserable for any of us. Bo has a spring jamboree football game the Tuesday after Memorial Day and then he'll have a couple weeks off to prepare for summer training for football and basketball. Aaron will also be doing football, but we're undecided on the basketball or baseball thing. Ethan will be going on a summer golf tour with First Tee. I hope to play along with him a time or two and get his Pa-Paul and daddy to go a time or two as well. They should have fun with it.
Looking forward to a multi-class gathering at Pensacola Beach on July 26th and some relaxing time alone with Kevin to celebrate our 18th anniversary. Hoping to work in some traveling. Juggling all the boys' schedules and making plans for travel seems like a daunting task, but I'm sure we'll figure something out. Till next time, thanks for letting me use this space and your time for much needed therapy.

Girls! I just love 'em!

Ever wish you had something that you don't have?

I'm sure we all have.
Well, I wished for a girl.......that's all.
Instead, I have 3 gorgeous boys
and all the roughness that comes with them.
They have their softness, especially as babies.
But it's outgrown and they dismiss those
cuddly moments and trade you in for
that girl up the street, on the bus, in the next desk at school.....
Yeah, I know. It'll be okay, and when they are older they'll
come back, wanting my hugs and kisses again.


Well, I guess God's way of letting me have a girl
was to give two of them to my brother, at the same time!!!
And they are so cuddly and sweet!

Mia Sorella, Carrie

This is Carrie.

We are soul sisters, in the sense that we didn't have each other growing up through our childhood years, when having a sister/best friend at your disposal

would have eased all those moments of insecurity and loneliness,

and, yes, aggravated all those other times when you wished you were alone.

We inherited each other when our parents found each other. We met each other a week before their wedding at a buffet restaurant. At first I was guarded; I didn't think these people would care about me or my family, much less have anything to do with us.

They had their own lives to focus on; Carrie lived in Maryland, so I figured I would never see her except Thanksgiving or Christmas. And Scott, our brother, had his own family thing going on.

So, I thought this was just a

"here's more people we're adding to our lives, thought you might

want to meet them, have a nice life" meeting.

Little did I know that there was a void place in my life that needed to be filled,

and Carrie was just the person to fill it.

We've been sisters for 10 years now.

In the beginning, it was difficult to establish any kind of bond with her, since she did live so far away from me. But, then she moved to Florida.

First, she was still not close enough to establish a true bond, but we did visit her a couple of time when we made trips to Orlando. (Those of you who know me know this is at least once a year) She was always really sweet to my boys, and they attached to her very easily.

When we would see her for holidays and such, they would flock to her

for kisses and hugs and then sit next to her (or on her) when she was near.

I really felt our bond become stronger when she started going through some rough times, but at this point, it was only a one-way thing. We still weren't close enough for me to smack some sense into her and whisk her away from all her troubles, but that's how I felt,

and sometimes wonder if I should have done it anyway.

She just kept getting deeper and deeper into a pit of darkness, I wanted to shroud her

with love and strength, and make her see that she was better than all that stuff.

She was searching, too. She needed something, and no matter how hard she tried,

she was looking in the wrong places and making choices that were hard to live with.

Finally, she moved here, within 2 miles of me. We finally got to be closer emotionally.

She became really involved with me through the boys' activities, especially Aaron's baseball.

I was the team mom and she was the team aunt. Aaron's friends even called her Aunt Carrie.

I felt so comfortable with her around. I felt like she got me.

Then, she moved again. This time, her life was right on track. She was "moving up" with her career and they moved her to the farthest side of Florida away from me.

Selfishly, I resented the move and her progress.

I didn't want to lose her.

I didn't want to miss her.

But I do.

Now, she's facing new challenges. An evil illness. One I've had tear parts of my family up.

She's strong, though. She has gained strength, and she has found love.

And to God I am thankful that His Hands can reach her.

I pray she feels Him beside her,

especially since I can't be.........physically.

I LOVE MY CARRIE!

Jumping In

Okay, so....... here goes! I'm finally giving in to the blogger influence of my immediate and closest peers, my sister and my cousin. But, seriously, after considering this for quite a while, I'm really made for blogging. I'm better with words on paper.....er screen....than I am orally. It seems my brain is connected to my fingertips on a creative and quick-witted level and connected to my tongue on shorter wave-lengths. So, I'm going to get the tippity-tapping going on the keyboard and turn my insides out to share with the World! Maybe it won't be too offensive or goofy, and maybe I can share with others the same idea of chaotic reality that you can sense on some of my other favorite blogs, which provide me with some realm of normalcy to live by.

Ciao!