Afternoon, all! I am dropping in because I have resolved that after about 4 hours of light shopping today, I am fat! And I am very uncomfortable. And fat people don't look "cool" when they sweat around their waistband and down the middle of their back! It's just gross! Sure, some of that is due to the regime of meds I'm taking, but how 'bout if I had not been fat when I started these meds? How 'bout if I felt good?

I bought the ingredients needed to make lasagna for dinner tonight. Then, I decided that pasta is going to HAVE to come off MY menu. So, instead of having traditional lasagna, I thought I would make a separate dish of lasagna using cabbage leaves instead of noodles. Well, then I decided cheese probably should be limited, too, so my cabbage version of lasagna has turned into cabbage soup. I've put a few leaves of spinach in with it, a very little bit of corn, and a can of Rotel, to spice it up a bit.

So, when I'm all fresh and skinny, shedding pounds at record speed (Ha!Ha!), you all will know what I've been eating, er, NOT eating.

Also, while shopping today, I took back a bathing suit, size 12, that claimed you could look a size smaller. Upon trying on said bathing suit, you, in fact, had to BE a size smaller to get it on! And, since it's been a month since I bought the darn thing, they would only give me back a credit on their store card. Guess what I bought?! Saucony Prestige walking/running shoes! Ironic, isn't it?!

Also, starting tomorrow (no, seriously, tomorrow) I will start walking and/or running as far as I can go. I am going to keep a record of my food abuse and exercise status, and just so I hold myself to it, I will bore you all with the facts at least once a week. Aren't you excited?!

In conclusion of this post, I am going to totally out myself and tell you what I've had to eat so far today--

--2 big cups of chocolate milk (this is my morning coffee unless I have chai)

--4 cupcakes (all consumed within 15 minutes)

--10 grapes

For dinner, I will have about 1-1/2 cups of cabbage soup, and about 4 glasses of ice cold water.

If you ever find that you have simple suggestions to help me improve my body image, my efforts toward weight-loss, etc., please, please, please....I welcome your input!

Current weight: 189!!!

Realize

Well, here it's been several weeks, and I've let myself skip blogging again. But, have to admit, it's better than letting a complete year go by. I guess I felt pushed to journal something today so I can get out some of these cruddy feelings I have bottled up and the meds are about to make me explode from every orifice on my body (as if I needed excuses for them to explode, right?).

So, during the 4th of July holiday, my bleacher-running pal, Tina, injured her knee. We knew that each of us had knee issues; we just thought with more exercise/losing weight it would help those knee issues go away. HA! Guess not! Turns out we were both hurting our knees worse. I actually had a check-up scheduled with my doctor on the 6th, follow up for thyroid and triglycerides. Well, I was feeling really good about exercising, so my report to the doctor was positive, although I didn't have any lab work to back that up. He advised slowing down on the bleachers, since my knee sang such a lovely clicking song to him, and increase my workouts on flat surfaces for a while. Then, when Tina went to see her doctor about her knee woes, she gets the news that she's got some cartilage damage which COULD require surgery. So, exercise goes OUT THE WINDOW!

Now, I know I shouldn't blame my not exercising on Tina's inability to do so, but we were doing such a good job as a pair, it seems only fitting! Besides our knee issues, I'm still dealing with massive headaches every other week, which in reflexion seems to coincide with my female hormonal calendar. However, this one headache that I had started on the right, backside of my neck (like a tension headache--gee, I can't imagine why I would have one of those) and gradually sent strange sensations up the back of my skull. To the touch, it felt like bruising. AND, there was a marble-sized lymph node that popped up on the back of my neck. Good ol' doc finds these symptoms peculiar, but in line with a pinched nerve, due to the swollen lymph node. He prescribes a Z-pak and tells me to keep an eye on things and come back if there isn't any improvement. Well, as soon as my five days were up on the Z-pak, the sensations gradually decrease and the knot goes away.

Now, on Thursday, August 12th, I wake up to a kink in my neck, but this time on the left side. And it wasn't a headache, only a slight kink/pinched feeling. I massage, rub, roll my shoulders, stretch my neck muscles, etc. All to very little relief. 800mg Ibuprofen didn't touch it. Aleve might as well have been baby aspirin. It did nothing to help. As the week goes on, it seems the feelings associated with this kink increase: pain, pinching and numbness start showing up down my left arm. Yet again, I go to the doctor. I feel like it's a pinched nerve, suspect it's probably a spinal disk problem, and dread what he's going to tell me. It turns out, I get to be on steroids for a week and muscle relaxers at night to help me NOT tense up so that the herniated disk can slip back into place. Otherwise, if it doesn't, that means surgery. He pinpoints the problem to the C4/C5 area, based on my range of movement and complaints.

And that leads me to today. I've been on the 'roids for 5 days now. I can swear to you they started bringing out my UGLY side on day 2. I have been rottenly rude to my kids and husband. Frustration just seems to pour out of me in gushes of downright meanness. And I AM trying to keep doing my job as mom: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., etc. And for the extent of it, I am ABLE to do it, with some limitations to my range of motion. This only adds to my frustration, but I think these meds encourage a loose tongue. I am not used to that and I know my family doesn't appreciate it, but I feel like even though I don't usually say these things out loud that they already know these things, right? Am I so constricted on my feelings and show of emotion that they don't know how I feel all the time? I understand that I have ultimately caused this reaction in them, looking at me like I'm a stranger when I start spitting out my rants. But do I not show them compassion when I understand where their own rants come from? And I listen, mostly, and do not ever condemn them for expressing themselves so freely with me, even though a lot of that is due to their own battles with frustrations, that could stem from the consequences of my rules and requirements of them. Right?

Anyway, another side effect of these 'roids is the never ending desire to clean out the refrigerator and pantry........with my MOUTH!!! Which leads me back to the need to exercise. I feel like I've grown 3 sizes in 3 days!

Is anyone following along with this. I think I'm making sense, but it is a lot of babbling. I can admit, it has helped me to get some of these insides out today. I will try to be more cheerful in future posts, but let me thank you so much for sticking in there on this one. Comments welcomed!

Have a nice day!